Sut en Jus (Dust and Blood)
by Schwan
Summary: The story of the Commander, past, present, future, told in a series of 100 one-shots.
1. Chek Op (Look Up)

_Chek Op_

(Look Up)

"You know what they say about that star?"

"Hm?" Lexa doesn't bother opening her eyes. The air is a little too cold, Costia just a little too warm. There's a knot in her back where a knob of stone is jutting into her spine, but Lexa doesn't really mind.

" _Leksa_ ," Costia insists, her voice sounding amused.

Lexa grunts in complaint, but eventually, she opens her eyes and sits up. Costia leans against her, and Lexa glances over to see her gazing up at the sky, eyes sparkling. Lexa follows her eyes to the stars above. "Which star?" she asks.

"That one," Costia says, jabbing a finger upwards. It takes a moment, but then she sees it, recognizes it. As always, it is slowly but steadily making its way across the night sky. Lexa knows it. She has been watching it since she was a child.

"What do they say of it?" Lexa asks, because she is genuinely curious.

"They say it has been there since the beginning, that it appeared only a few months after the Fall."

Lexa's mouth quirks slightly at that. "Is that so? And what exactly do _they_ call it? A premonition?"

Lexa feels Costia shake her head against her shoulder. "No. They say it is a ship of sorts."

Lexa blinks and looks down at Costia. "A ship?"

Costia nods. "They say it is a ship that has carried people that escaped the Fall by fleeing to space."

Lexa stares at her for a long moment before barking out a quick laugh. "I see," she drawls, smirking. "Shall we flee to space next? We will bring our army with us. The Mountain Men will not know what to do."

Costia shoves her. "You mock me!" she accuses, but there is a grin on her face. After Lexa catches her balance, she looks up once more. "I know it sounds impossible and strange, but I'm serious. What if it were true?"

Lexa bumps her with her elbow. "It isn't."

"But what if it was?"

Lexa sighs lightly, but she honestly doesn't mind. She looks up too. "If it were true, there would be people up there. I suppose, they would be looking down at the ground as we look up at the sky."

Costia is silent for a long moment. "I bet it's more peaceful up there," she murmurs wistfully. "I bet they are united, not endlessly at war with each other, constantly fighting and dying." She seems to trying to blink away tears. Lexa swallows hard.

"It always has seemed peaceful up there," Lexa comments quietly, and Costia looks at her. "Quiet. Soft. There is no chaos up there, just stars and night sky."

Lexa can see Costia watching her out of the corner of her eye. After a long moment, she reaches over and wraps her arms around Lexa's sides, drawing her in. Lexa doesn't resist, and in a moment, they are laying back on the rock, arms wrapped around each other.

"There _can_ be peace here, Lexa," Costia murmurs against her shoulder. "We just need time."

There is a sharp pain in Lexa's chest, and she bites her lip. "Time we do no have," she reminds her.

"Time we can get."

"Costia-"

"Sshhh. If nothing else, peace now."

Lexa hesitates, then nods and tucks her nose into the crook of Costia's neck, the thoughts of people in the sky fading away with the worries of tomorrow.

* * *

"What is that?"

Gustus looks over, his hand on his sword hilt and his brows knit. _"Heda?_ "

Lexa nods upwards. Gustus looks up, squinting, and grunts in surprise.

Up above, there is a wide diamond of white light streaking across the sky, heading eastward. It is steadily growing larger, but as it does, it seems to fade as well. By the time is has grown to the size of Lexa's thumb, it has faded into the far horizon. Gustus turns his head, meets Lexa's eyes, and they are thinking the same thing.

" _Kwint!_ " Lexa barks.

There is a loud knock, a grunt of pain, and then Quint leaps through the doorway of the rundown shack he'd been rifling through. He jogs to Lexa and stands straight. " _Heda_ ," he snaps out.

"Go get Anya," she orders, still not breaking eye contact with Gustus. "Quickly."

" _Sha, Heda."_ Quint turns away and sprints away. It is when his footsteps fade away that Lexa finally breaks eye contact with Gustus. She looks up at the sky where the white diamond just disappeared.

" _Gostos_?" she asks simply.

"I do not know, _heda_ ," he answers, just as plainly.

There is the sound of steps in the distance. " _Heda!"_ Lexa turns as Anya skids to a stop in front of her. "You asked for me."

" _Sha_ ," Lexa says. "I need-"

 _Boom._

The noise is quiet, but distinct. Lexa can tell it is far by how much it echoes and bounces between the trees, but it is close enough that they hear the impact. Lexa feels something twist in her stomach and she meets Gustus' eyes again. Anya is looking between the two of them, understanding and trepidation pooling in her eyes.

" _Heda."_ She says.

Lexa meets her eyes. "East, Anya. Tondc. Tell Indra. Take Quint with you and use him as a messenger."

Anya nods. " _Sha, heda._ " Then she turns and begins to stride away. Quint is jogging his way back towards them, and as she passes him, Anya grips his arms and tows him after. He follows without question.

"And us, _heda?_ " Gustus asks, almost gently.

Lexa chews on her lip, gazing eastward where the white diamond vanished. After a long moment, she says, "We keep quiet. If anyone asks, it was a falling star."

"A falling star, _heda?_ " Gustus sounds amused.

Despite everything, Lexa's lips twitch. "A sign of good omens, Gustus," she tells him, turning away from the burning diamond in the sky. "Come. We need to prepare."

Gustus follows her as she begins to stride down the path. "Prepare for a falling star, _heda?_ " It is not a joke. There is a warning in his voice.

"Prepare for omens, Gustus," she replies grimly.

* * *

 _"Heda!"_

Lexa is up out of bed and moving before she even registers that it is dark outside. She throws her shoulder guard on and snatches her sword up off the table before striding to the opening of her tents. She pushes the flap aside and looks to either side to her guards. Neither of them are fighting or dying, but they are both gaping up at the sky, eyes wide.

It is then that the sound of loud fire hits Lexa's ears. She snaps her gaze up to the night sky, and it is there.

It is falling, no longer just a flickering light whirling across the sky. It is a bright, exploding star, roaring its dying breath. It is falling to earth, and Lexa knows it will bring its wrath with it. Her hearth climbs up into her throat.

And then there is a bright flash, and it breaks up, coming closer, but coming down in pieces now. Some continue falling, silver boxes and wheels reeling across the night sky. Others explode into bits, and Lexa can hear the sounds of destruction even here. Those remaining scatter across the sky, trailing flames and smoke and ruin. They fall behind the trees and Lexa hears a series of pops and booms all around her. Then, the forest goes too quiet.

Lexa snaps her head around. " _Gostos!"_ To her relief, he is already making his way towards her, eyes and expression dark. He stops before her.

" _Heda?_ "

Lexa ignores him, jabbing a finger at one of her guards, who has just brought his gaze back down from the sky. He snaps to attention, and his partner follows suit. "Spread the message," Lexa snaps. "Change of plans. We march at dawn."

" _Sha, heda_ ," they chorus and set off.

"Gustus," Lexa barks. "With me."

Gustus follows Lexa into her tent and to her table, with countless maps sprawled across the surface. There is a red marking where the first of the Sky People landed, a blue one in Tondc, and a green one at the Mountain. Before she can forget where the lights and fire streaked across the sky, she bites into her thumb, drawing blood. She swipes it across the map a few times, but she knows the markings will not be exact.

"Gustus."

 _"Heda?_ "

"What do the people say of the star that crosses the sky every night?" Lexa asks, striding around to the other side of the table, sucking on her thumb.

"That it is a ship that has held people since the Fall," he grunts. "That they survived the Fall by fleeing to space."

Lexa nods, bitterness boiling up inside her stomach. "They flee to earth now, Gustus," she says. "But they will not find refugee here. They will look up the stars just as we do and wish for peace."

Gustus is quite for a long moment. Then, "What do you plan to do, _heda?_ "

Lexa grips the edge of the table hard. "Protect my people."

* * *

 **To avoid confusion while reading, I'm going to avoid using straight up Trigedaslang unless there is a Sky Person and Grounder together in a scene, or just common phrases.**

 **" _Sha, heda."_ \- "Yes, Commander."**


	2. Mema (Messenger)

_Mema_

(Messenger)

"Regardless, we need to be ready," Lexa tells the small audience standing before her, and Indra shifts impatiently to her right. "Once the Mountain Men have given their entire population the Sky People's bone, they will be out of the Mountain."

"They will no longer be behind their unbreakable metal door," Fio grunts. "We can fight them directly rather than be slaughtered by the reapers and fog, especially now that the fog is down for good."

"Yes," Indra agrees. "But they have the stronger firepower, and they can control the reapers by will. They have maps and technology we do not."

"We know the forest better than they do," Lexa cuts in. "The majority of them are simple civilians. If we kill their armed forces it will hold them off inside the Mountain if it does not destroy them."

Fio eyes her critically. "We do not plan to kill them all?"

Lexa shakes her head. "Their children have no part in their sins. But there _are_ sins. _Jus drein jus daun."_

 _"Jus drein just daun,"_ the rest of the table echoes in agreement.

"Now," Lexa continues. "Indra is right in that they control the Reapers, but if the Mountain Men decide to leave the Mountain altogether, we may be able to-"

" _Heda."_

Lexa turns, letting the irritation show on her face at the interruption. The man before her is kneeling, face cast in shadow, and for a moment, Lexa is unsure who it is beneath the furs and armor.

"What is it?"

The man lifts his head and Lexa recognizes Penn. Her heart jumps into her throat, but she keeps her expression neutral as he explains, "You wanted me to scout the Mountain and see what became of the Sky People."

That had been three days ago. After the second without his return, Lexa had been sure she had sent Penn to his death. But here he is, and his expression is troubled. "And?" she demands, covering the growing dread in her stomach with impatience in her voice.

Penn swallows hard once, twice, before he answers, "The Mountain has fallen, _heda._ "

A sharp silence greets his words. Then Indra hisses the word that passes through every single one their thoughts: "Impossible."

Penn merely shrugs, and Lexa feels her brows drawing down, a thundercloud boiling behind her eyes. Penn must see it because he straightens when she snaps, "Explain."

Penn nods and begins, "The _skai heda_ left into the reaper tunnels after our retreat. About three quarters of the hour passed before she came back through the front door, and all of her people were with her."

 _Clarke_ , Lexa thinks. _How in the world did she…?_

"I tracked them after checking the inside of the Mountain," Penn continues, cutting off Lexa's thoughts. "They returned to their camp, but the _skai heda_ did not follow."

"Where is she now?" Lexa can't stop the words before they tumble out. She just manages to make them sound demanding rather than hopeful.

Penn shakes his head.

Lexa bites her lip. At her side, Indra snarls, "That does not prove the Mountain is fallen." Her belief in the Sky People's abilities is low enough as it is. She cannot believe they felled their enemy of nearly one hundred years.

"You said you went inside," Lexa recalls.

Penn nods again and licks his lips. "I did. I checked each level and found them all on the fifth. I-" He stops and shuffles on his knee, looking uncomfortable. "There were no survivors, _heda._ "

Lexa feels something go slack inside her chest. "None?"

Penn shakes his head.

"That is impossible," Indra insists. "They couldn't have killed them all. How could they? Did they shoot them all, slice every single throat?"

Penn shakes his head once more, but doesn't answer. He finds sudden interest in the pelt he kneels on, and he is unusually pale. Lexa does not know what he found in the Mountain, but he is in his own right a hardened warrior who has seen extremely cruel manners of death and torture.

Lexa does not _want_ to know what he found in the Mountain.

"Penn," she says, because she must. She is _heda._ "Speak."

Penn swallows again, but he will not look up. "I do not know how they did it, _heda_ ," he tells the ground. "Every man, woman, and child inside the Mountain had been burned. They were covered in welts much like what those who are caught in the acid fog suffer from. None of them breathed. They all seem to have died at the same time. Most were sitting for the beginning of a meal and were still at their tables where I found them."

Another silence, this one heavy and full of implications. Lexa cannot believe this, _refuses_ to believe this. Clarke could not have done this. Not only is it a physical impossibility, it is a moral one as well. Lexa knows Clarke was wrathful after the missile and Tondc, but she also knows the blonde was hell-bent on ensuring their rescue mission did not become a slaughter.

Seeing is believing, and Lexa will not believe Clarke did this unless she sees it.

"Show me."

* * *

" _Heda,_ I believe-"

"I know." Lexa gives up trying to force her horse through the entrance and pulls back from the silver corridor in front of her. Despite trying to urge the animal through the metal door for nearly two minutes, it will not continue, whinnying in desperate protests that make Lexa ill at ease. She dismounts, handing the reins off to Rivo. Indra, Penn, and Ryder follow her action, handing off their mounts to the others not entering the Mountain. She nods at Penn, and with a quick swallow and a nervous nod, he steps through the metal door. Lexa follows him, Indra and Ryder to either side of her.

Their footsteps echo hollowly down the metal corridor, and Lexa feels unease creep through her stomach. Indra and Ryder seem equally agitated, both of them snapping their eyes to every tiny noise, hands gripping their weapons. It doesn't help that Penn is acting strange, tapping the hilt of his sword and walking with a gait that makes it seem as if he is slogging through mud.

There is a storm inside Lexa's chest. When she first became Commander, she never imagined the Mountain would fall during her reign. The dream of her people, the dream of being free of the Mountain, had seemed closer than ever with the completion of the Coalition, but Lexa had never allowed herself to become obsessed with the idea like many others had. There were too many dangers, too many threats, for her to focus solely on the destruction of the Mountain. Now that it _has_ fallen, it seems too good to be true, even if it was not by her hands.

It also feels, strangely, as if Lexa does not belong here, that none of them do. This was the home to the Mountain Men, the _Maunon_ , their absolute enemies of nearly a hundred years. They had killed too many of their people, destroyed too many lives between their fog, their reapers, and their bloodletting…

Lexa shakes her head slightly, trying to throw off the feeling of trespassing. If what Penn says is true, there is no one left alive here in the Mountain, meaning it is free for the taking.

 _The dead are gone,_ Lexa reminds herself. _The living are hungry._

Penn leads them to the end of the corridor and turns to the right. He swings a steel door open and steps through, leading them onto a long flight of stairs that shoots down. He takes first, Ryder last, and soon they are to the bottom. Penn once more leads them through a steel door. It is when Lexa crosses this threshold that the smell hits her.

Behind her, Indra sucks in a sharp, disgusted breath, and Ryder grunts. Lexa has to resist the urge to gag. She can practically taste the death in the air, the smell is so thick. Lexa is no stranger to mass graves, but they have always been outdoors. The scent in here has nowhere to go.

Penn has gone pale, glancing back at Lexa as if begging her not to make him continue. She ignores him, simply nodding for him to carry on. With yet another swallow, he moves forward, down another corridor, this one wider and taller. As they progress, the smell only gets stronger and stronger.

Penn stops at the stone arch at the end of the hallway. Lexa steps up beside him and she can't help the small sound that escapes her lips. Suddenly, the smell is not so noticeable, shoved to the back of Lexa's mind. Even Indra falters at the sight before her.

It is just as Penn described it. There are hundreds of them. Men, women, and children, slumped over their meals, covered in red welts and blisters as if they had all been burned. To their right, Lexa spots a man and woman on the floor, right beside each other even in death. It is not until Lexa looks more closely that she sees they are wrapped around an equally lifeless child, as if they spent their final breaths trying to protect the small boy.

Penn clears his throat and turns away, looking as if he is about to retch. Now Lexa understands his reluctance to return here. A battlefield of fallen warriors is one thing, but this…

" _Goufa,"_ Indra hisses, eyes on the boy wrapped in his parents' arms. If she did not hate the Sky People before, she does now.

"Another massacre," Ryder comments. His voice is hard.

Lexa swallows hard, unable to take her eyes off the figures slumped in their chairs. None of them has a liking of the _Maunon_ , not after a century of killing and bloodshed. All of the clans hate the Mountain Men. Lexa does not regret that the Mountain has fallen, but Clarke had said it herself. It was a rescue mission, not…

 _Clarke…_ Lexa grips the hilt of her sword so hard her hand aches. _How did you do this?_ Why _did you do this?_

But Lexa already knows the answer. Clarke did this to save her people. The death of Finn had shown her determination. The misslie had given rise to her fury. But when Lexa turned her back on her that night, she saw the shattering desperation in her eyes. After everything she'd done to get to where she had, the lives she had given up, Lexa had doubted that Clarke would just lie down and accept defeat. She hadn't been wrong.

Like Lexa, Clarke had sworn to get her people back, no matter the cost. Lexa had betrayed her alliance and heart to get her people back, and she had given Clarke no choice but to destroy the Mountain, and with it, her soul. Lexa had given her no choice.

 _This is on you, too._

Lexa let out a breath and runs a hand through her hair, feeling the weight of a mountain settle on her shoulders on top of Clarke and Tondc and the past five years of sacrifices. She hates the _Maunon,_ but she is a twenty-year-old girl who is centuries old. She is _heda._

Lexa takes in the room once more, then murmurs, " _Yu gonplei ste odon."_

Indra shoots her a look, but a life is a life regardless, and the chief seems to accept that despite the century-old war just as Lexa does. She nods once, almost in agreement. With that, Lexa turns away, images of Tondc and Nnati flashing behind her eyes. She looks Penn in the eye. "Do we know how they did this?" she asks him.

Penn shakes his head.

"It must have been the _skai heda_ ," Ryder grunts, looking away from the dead to meet Lexa's eyes.

Lexa nods in agreement but that does not explain _how_ Clarke did this. Lexa isn't entirely sure she wants to know. Regardless, the Mountain is dead, and with it, the _Maunon_. This is good, but it presents a new problem. The Coalition no longer has a common enemy, and blood cannot bind forever.

" _Mochof, Pen,"_ Lexa tells the man. He nods, still avoiding looking at the room behind them. With a motion of her hand, she starts down the hall with the other three surrounding her. She will hold on to the knowledge that the Mountain has fallen as long as she dares, but the word will get out eventually, and if she does not tell the other commanders herself, it will not be a good start to the post-Mountain Coalition.

It is not until they are outside the Mountain and back on their horses that Lexa really breathes. When they arrive back in Tondc, she wonders what will greet her in Polis, or what might have happened had she chosen not to take that deal, despite the fact that she would go back and do it again if she needed to.

It is only three days later when word of the fallen Mountain has spread throughout the ranks. It is four days later that Lexa first hears awe in the voice of one of her warriors, speaking of the blonde girl who fell from the sky and slayed the Mountain singlehandedly. On the seventh day, Lexa first hears the word that will make her heart clench. Not just the word, but the implication, and the images of death and blonde hair and blue eyes that it brings to mind. Lexa goes back to her tent and sits down the first time she hears it.

 _Wanheda._

* * *

 ** _"Jus drein jus daun." - "_ Blood must have blood."**

 ** _skai heda_ \- Sky Commander**

 ** _maunon_ \- Mountain Men**

 ** _goufa_ \- children**

 **" _Yu gonplei ste odon."_ \- "Your fight is over."**

 **" _Mochof, Pen."_ \- "Thank you, Penn."**

 ** _Wanheda_ \- Commander of Death**


	3. Don Dreino (Tipsy)

**Since this is in a sense, a series, there will be bits and pieces that may not make sense at first, but will be elaborated upon in later installments.**

* * *

 _Don Dreino_

(Tipsy)

It is already dark out when Lexa ducks out of her tent, but the air is still warm and dewy. The summer is deep, the forest alive. The crickets are chirping and the _luminou_ are glowing brightly, throwing bluish-white shadows through the trees.

But Lexa notices none of this.

She starts off down the street. Her night guards move to follow her, but she waves them off. They hesitate, glancing at each other, but Lexa's nerves are frayed and anger is one of the few emotions she is more than happy to show right now.

" _Bak op!"_ she snarls at them

With a quick, frantic nod, they both murmur _'heda'_ and back away, heads bowed. Lexa turns her back on them and continues on. She heads south. She knows where she is going. She has been to the place, it was just never for the intent for which it was built like it is tonight.

There are a few men and women stripped of furs and armor who greet her with ' _heda'_ and a nod as they pass her, but save for them, the streets of Polis are mostly empty. Most of Lexa's people are preparing for the Sheepskin Festival, as well as taking a night of drinking off so that they can go at it twice as hard during the festival. It is one of the only reasons Lexa is out here tonight.

Aside from her rage and the black hole growing in her chest.

Lexa arrives at her destination and shoves the door open. As she had hoped, there are a grand total of three men in the room. One is passed out on the floor, another staring down into his mug, too drunk to register his surroundings. The third is watching them both lazily from behind the _poul_ , drinking water from a dirty cup. He looks up at her when she enters, the beginnings of a greeting leaving his mouth before he recognizes her. When he does, his eyes widen and he nearly drops his cup.

" _H- heda,"_ he stutters, straightening. "What are you doing here?"

" _Rai_ ," Lexa replies, sitting down in one of the splintering wooden stools in front of the _poul._ "I am here for a drink. You promised me one."

For a long moment, Rye doesn't seem to be able to process that. Never before has she come in his _poul_ for what it was made for. The first time she showed up here was for the slavers, the second for Oren. For once, she is here because she wants what the _poul_ can actually offer.

Rye seems to realize this. A smile splits his face and he nods firmly, despite her being _heda_ , and despite her showing up here the night before the Sheepskin Festival. "What would you like, _heda?"_ he asks, grinning. "Whiskey? Rum? Or maybe yet another extremely angry man?"

Lexa smiles slightly even as her heart constricts in pain. It is a good joke, and Rye always had a way of bringing out a tiny smile from Lexa with his jokes, even when they were children still living in Imor. But this is the last place Lexa saw Oren alive. If she had known…

"Cider," Lexa says. Rye nods gladly and ambles deeper in the _poul_ to get her glass.

Lexa knows Rye, has known him for a long time. He lived in the same village as her before she was called to take command. Several years after she had been brought to Polis, she had met him in the streets, and they had caught up, if just a little. Lexa had discovered he worked in a _poul_ on the southern edge of Polis, and remembering his debt to her, he had promised her free service when he owned the _poul_ himself. Lexa figures tonight is as good as any to make good on that vow.

" _Yu drein, heda_ ," he says, setting her glass down in front of her.

" _Mochof, Rai,"_ she thanks him. She takes a sip, tasting the lightest touch of alcohol on her tongue. It has been years since she has drinken, and the Sheepskin Festival begins the next morning. Lexa knows she cannot miss it, no matter how much she wishes to, so she decides to stay light tonight.

However, that doesn't stop her from finishing the cider in mere minutes, and soon, she finds herself asking Rye for another. He gifts her with one almost gladly. As Lexa continues to drink, the cider slowly taking the edges off the world, Rye moves about. He is trying to keep himself busy with what little there is to do in the empty _poul._ He tries to brush it off whenever she looks at him knowingly, but as the night progresses, concern begins to shine in his eyes.

When Anya finally finds Lexa, the moon has passed the center of the sky and Rye is looking extremely uncomfortable, but he knows he can say nothing. After all, she is his _heda_. The world has begun buzzing around Lexa a little bit, but she still recalls her own _Gadlouma_ and how she had felt the morning after. She can more than control herself with this little bit of alcohol, though her emotions feel a little looser.

There is the sound a door opening at the back and footsteps. Lexa looks up from her cup, but it takes her almost two seconds to register Anya leaning on the _poul_ beside her,watching her carefully. " _Onya,"_ she remarks, only somewhat surprised. "What are you doing here?"

" _Leksa_ ," she replies. "I am here to escort you back to your tent."

Lexa narrows her eyes at her former mentor. The way she phrases her words is for Rye's sake, she knows, but Anya is not here to escort her back to her tent. She is here to drag her back.

"And if I wish to stay?" Lexa tests, lifting her cup back to her lips.

Anya just manages to not glower at her, but there is an angry fire in her eyes that Lexa remembers well from her childhood. "You are _heda,"_ she tells Lexa, but Lexa knows the real meaning in the dangerous tone of her words.

Rye stands frozen behind the _poul,_ his eyes darting from Lexa to Anya and back again as they stare each other down. Lexa drinks the rest of the contents left in her cup, not breaking eye contact with Anya. She reaches into her belt and pulls out a few gold coins, and slaps them on top of the _poul_.

" _Heda,"_ Rye protests. "There is no need to-"

"Take it, Rye," Lexa orders, still not looking away from Anya. "I will ask for the vow another time."

Rye looks like he wants to argue more, but he must know it is both pointless and highly disrespectful, so he simply nods and scoops the coins. He looks pale and weary. Though Lexa knows she did not need to pay in the first place, she has given him more than two times the amount she drank. It is enough she can do to repay him for all the destruction she has caused to his business in the past.

"Are you ready, _heda?_ " Anya asks, voice sickly sweet.

Lexa's peels her lips back from her teeth in a half smirk, half snarl. " _Sha."_

The two of them silently leave the _poul,_ Anya not even holding the door open for Lexa, the most she dares to do in public, regardless of how late it is. She leads her down the streets of Polis, back towards Lexa's tent. When the two of them arrive at their destination, it is to two panicked-looking guards. When they spot them, their faces melt into relieved expression, but soon turn back to alarm with the look that Anya sends them both.

Then they are in Lexa's tent. Anya keeps walking, all the way to the back, where she stops and stares at the cloth wall. Lexa knows she is angry. Without saying anything, she unbuckles her coat and shoulder guard and drops them to the floor. She makes her way to the war table, maps strewn about the surface. She leans onto it with her palms, making the table creak. That small sound is what make Anya turn around, and her expression is furious.

"Why were you in that _poul?"_ Anya demands. "The day before _Gadlouma_ no less? What were you thinking?"

Lexa glares at her. "I do not follow orders from you, _Onya."_

"You are my _heda_ ," Anya agrees. "But you were also once my second. I know you, _Leksa_."

Lexa sighs. She is tired. Her eyes droop and her head feels stuffed with cotton, and her heart is beating but dead, and her soul is slumped inside her chest.

Lexa lets her chin drop until it is hanging over the table and maps. She closes her eyes. "Rosto is dead."

Anya's eyes widen, then narrow. "How do you know this?"

Lexa breathes out. "The River Clan contacted me this morning. An Ice Nation assassin. She denied it, of course, but you know as well as I who would benefit most from this."

Anya hisses in distaste. "She means to destroy the Coalition."

Lexa nods. "Rosto had no blood heirs. The leadership has been passed down to his adopted nephew. The River Clan is no longer blood bound to the Coalition."

Anya is scowling as she demands, "Why did you not hold a meeting for this after you received the news?"

"I have to figure out what I am going to do!" Lexa snaps back. The alcohol in the back of her throat is making her words and emotions fiery and loose. "The new chief is close to Rosto, yes, but he is also young and impressionable. If his council decides to break itself from the Coalition…"

" _Mou wor,"_ Anya murmurs. She stretches her back like a _kat_ and leans heavily on the table. She looks up at Lexa with a warm concern in her eyes that makes Lexa bite her lip. "There is something else." It is not a question.

Lexa jerks her arms off the table but does not move her feet. She stares hard at the maps strewn beneath her, as if they will confess her secrets for her if she glares at them long enough.

"Tomorrow makes two years."

Anya's eyes immediately soften. It is no wonder the date has slipped her mind, as she bears the brunt of preparing Polis for the Sheepskin Festival. But Lexa would never, _can never,_ forget.

Anya straightens and makes her way around the table to Lexa. She stops just in front of her, opposite shoulders touching. Then she reaches up and wraps her right arm around Lexa's shoulders, around the back of her neck, her palm on Lexa's right shoulder blade.

"Costia would be proud of how far you have come," Anya murmurs.

Lexa keeps her gaze trained straight ahead. "Nia killed her. She killed her and I could not even give her the promise of justice."

Anya is silent for a long moment. Then she answers, "It was for the Coalition. It's what she would have wanted. You know how much she wanted peace."

Lexa closes her eyes and buries her nose into the crook of Anya's shoulder, letting out a strangled half-sob. They stay like that for a long few minutes, Anya silent and Lexa swallowing hard to keep the blackness that lives in her chest from crawling out of her throat and destroying everything she has worked for. When Lexa feels like she can breathe again without vomiting, she takes a deep, steadying breath.

" _Hodnes laik kwelnes,"_ she whispers.

Lexa lifts her head from Anya's shoulder and she begins to draw her arm away. She cups the back of Lexa's neck for a long moment, looking her in the eye. Then she lets go and glides past Lexa, striding out of the tent.

Lexa does not watch her go.

* * *

The fourth time Lexa shows up in Rye's _poul_ , it is not long after the celebrations have ended, having lasted four days to celebrate the return of their people from Mount Weather. She has already dismissed her guard to join in the feasts, and many of the usual men and women who inhabit the _poul_ have spent all their drinking money on the feast. Lexa knows this, so it is this night, the night after the celebrations have ended, that she allows herself to open the door and sit down in front of Rye.

He sees her, sees the way she sits and the way her shoulders are stiff and her eyes emotionless. He sees this, and rather than pretend to be surprised, his eyes soften the tiniest bit. But all he asks is, "What would you like tonight, _heda?"_ because he knows she doesn't want pity and she doesn't want to talk.

"Whiskey," Lexa replies immediately. She does not intend to watch over the world tonight.

Rye takes that in, what it means, and nods. He turns to the back of the _poul_ and comes back with mug full of whiskey. He places it on the counter in front of her and departs to begin cleaning the tables and waking the few unconscious civilians still slumped in their chairs. Not bothering to care, Lexa throws back the drink, the burning as it goes down making her eyes water. She manages not to cough, and honestly, at this point in time, she does not care.

Rye returns thrice to refill her cup before Lexa finds herself looking up at the ceiling, the world blurry and her limbs fuzzy. Rye has kicked all his other patrons out and now leans back against the _poul_ , cleaning one of his few glass cups.

" _Rai_ ," Lexa slurs. He glances over, reaches over, refills her cup, and returns it before he answers her.

"Yes, _heda?"_

"You…" Lexa has to remember what she needs to say though images of blue eyes and blonde hair. "You cannot tell anyone of this."

"I know this, _heda._ You have my word."

Lexa nods, and then smiles bitterly. "Have your word. It is funny, how easy it is to make promises and not keep them."

" _Heda,"_ he says, brow furrowed in worry. "I swear on-"

"No need," Lexa interrupts, waving him off. "It is not you I am talking about."

Rye is silent. She can tell, even through the blurs in her eyes, that he is trying to hold his tongue. But his curiosity gets the better of him. "Who do you speak of then, _heda?"_

"Myself," Lexa answers, almost immediately. She swallows. "Words are only words, and deals only deals. Even blood cannot bind forever. They are all broken when the situation changes, and we tear each other apart just to stay alive. To survive."

"But it is survival, _heda."_ Rye seems unsure of what she is getting at.

Lexa looks at him, an eyebrow arched lazily. "What is the point of survival if you have nothing to live for?"

Rye is looking almost afraid now. "Do you have a reason to live, _heda?"_ He doesn't sound like he wants to hear the answer.

Lexa nods. "Oh, yes. I do. My people are the reason. My Coalition." Lexa nearly chokes on that word.

"And who lives for you, _heda?"_

"My people," Lexa repeats quietly. "My Coalition." She pauses. "And you, Rye?"

Rye smiles, gaze drifting off. "My wife. And my son. He was born just a few months ago, but I would do anything for him." He looks at Lexa. "Do you have one such as that, _heda?"_

Lexa looks away, eyes stinging. "I used to. You know that."

"And now?"

Lexa blinks hard. She is looking at her, eyes and heart shattering, begging, pleading, don't go, don't do this. _Please._ She asked her what she planned to do after it was over, asked her to come to Polis with her, give her people a chance, give _her_ a chance. But it is always head over heart, _heda_ over heart, and she is turning away, turning away from desperate blue eyes and blonde hair. Blue eyes and blonde hair. Blue eyes and blonde-

"No," Lexa says, and downs the rest of her cup.

* * *

It is the fifth, but far from the final time Lexa joins Rye at his _poul_ that she comes because of a person and not an event.

" _Heda_ ," Rye says with a large grin when he sees her. "It has been some time. I was beginning to worry I would no longer receive your business. You pay so well."

Lexa pretends to glare at him, but he knows she really doesn't mean it. She sits down in front of the _poul_. As with all the other times, Lexa has ensured she is alone in her endeavors for the most part, but there is a single man sitting in the corner. He is lucid, so he must not be too far into his cup. When she looks at him, he nods respectfully and murmurs, _"Heda."_

"What shall I get you this fine evening, _heda?"_ Rye asks.

"Cider, _beja, Rai_."

Rye nods with a smile and turns away to get her order. When he turns back, he hands her her mug and asks, "Going light tonight?"

Lexa nods. "I simply needed to get away."

Rye nods in return. Now that he has seen her actually attempt to get _don dreino,_ he knows the difference between that and simply drinking to get a break. Last time she had come here, shortly after the Mountain, he had been the one to guide her to the door and point her in the direction of her tent.

Rye departs to check on the man in the corner and quickly returns with a rag thrown over his shoulder. "How are you, _heda?"_ he asks her.

Lexa quirks a brow at him. "I am well, Rye." It is not the truth. She is far from well. "And you?"

"I am wonderful, _heda. Mochof._ " With that, he turns from her, seeming to understand that she would rather be left alone at the moment. It is several cups of cider later and Lexa is starting to soften, her worries and frustrations coming to the forefront of her mind. Blonde hair and blue eyes.

Lexa sighs under her breath. She is tired, her heart constantly fighting against her head, her soul huffing tiredly within her chest. Ever since Lexa saw Clarke again after the Mountain, they have been beaten and battered with Lexa's painful uncertainty. After everything that has happened, everything she has learned of Clarke and what she is capable of, Lexa cannot seem to stop it. This constant twisting in her gut when she is around Clarke, the guilt of her decision, the relief at her safety.

All of this is a reminder that Clarke is not exactly...forgiving, and Lexa was never good at asking for forgiveness from the heart.

Rye refills her cup and is wiping the _poul_ down when the door swings open. He looks up with a greeting on his lips and his eyes widen, much as they did the first three times Lexa came here. He stutters a little. His eyes dart to Lexa. There is a sigh behind her, and she turns to look at the newcomer.

"Found you," Clarke grumbles, walking towards her. "Finally."

"Clarke," Lexa utters, trying to tamp down the sudden explosion in her gut. "What are you doing here?"

" _Wanheda_ ," Rye all but whispers. Clarke's eyes flicker in revulsion at the title and she looks at him, suspicious. Rye clears his throat. "Would you like anything to drink?"

Clarke looks him up and down, making him shift uncomfortably. Lexa knows how her people have viewed Clarke ever since the fall of the Mountain. She glances down at Lexa's cup, snorts, and then says, "I'll have what she's having."

Rye swallows and nods, all but scuttling into the back of the _poul_. His body language reminds Lexa of the first time she came in here looking for the slavers.

"I was looking everywhere for you," Clarke tells Lexa, sitting in the stool beside her. "I had to ask what few people I could find if they saw you. Then I find you at a bar of all places."

Lexa looks at her curiously, the alcohol loosening her tongue and making her ask, "What is a…bar?" The word sounds strange passing her lips.

Clarke gives her a dubious look. Once she realizes she is not joking, she sighs and gestures to the room as a whole, then pats the _poul_ grimly.

"Ah," Lexa says. "You mean the _poul._ "

"Yeah, sure," Clarke grumbles. "If that's what you call it."

Rye scurries forward and slides the cider in front of Clarke. He stands there awkwardly for a moment as she sips from her cup. Once she drunken almost half of her cup and he has still not left, both her and Lexa raise their eyebrows at him. He gets the hint and nods quickly, pacing away to check the man in the corner.

"Why are you here, Clarke?" Lexa asks, almost tiredly. She had come here to get away from Clarke, not to have the blonde follow her.

"I could ask you the same thing," Clarke replies over the rim of her cup. She is watching Lexa like she so often does now, with a curious but calculating gaze. Lexa is only glad it is no longer the hostile glare she received the first time they reunited.

Lexa turns away without answering, looking straight ahead as she drinks from her cup. There is no need for her to answer anyways; Clarke already knows why she is here.

Clarke watches her a moment more, then turns forward too. After a long moment of silence, she clears her throat. "I, um…" Lexa glances over and Clarke sighs, pushing onward. "I wanted to ask about the... _Gadlouma."_ With how much of their language she has learned already, it almost makes Lexa want to laugh with how she stumbles over the word. But Clarke would turn away and leave if she did that, so she holds it back. "I've been hearing a lot of people talk about it, and I assumed it was soon, but... " She takes another drink, trying to cover her awkwardness. "What exactly is it?"

Lexa swallows hard, trying not to smile. It isn't much, but it is enough. Every small victory counts in times like these for Lexa, especially where Clarke is concerned.

"In your language it can be translated to the Sheepskin Festival," Lexa answers, and Clarke turns to her. "It is a coming-of-age ceremony. Each second who has finished their tutelage beneath a mentor in the year since the previous _Gadlouma_ comes to the festival to receive the tattoo and pelt that officially signifies this. It is a time of great celebration."

Clarke nods, understanding now. She peers closely at Lexa. "Did you have a... _Gadlouma?"_

Lexa replies, "I did. A year before becoming Commander."

"How old were you?"

Lexa looks away. "Fourteen."

Clarke seems to find that hard to believe. "You became Commander at fifteen?" she asks incredulously.

Lexa nods and Clarke quickly seems to accept that. She feels an odd mix of pride and guilt. Clarke is much more adapted to Earth and their ways than the first time Lexa met her, though most of that may have to do with the death of Finn and the Mountain, both of which were partly Lexa's fault.

"Fifteen, huh?" Clarke laughs bitterly and downs the rest of her cider. She stands and throws a coin onto the counter. "Talk about a hell of a lot more than survival," she quips with a nasty but understanding smirk at Lexa. Then she turns away and strides out of the _poul._

Rye wanders back to Lexa and pockets the money that Clarke left behind. He is warily eyeing the door after her as he asks, "Has she always been like that?"

Lexa turns back to the counter with an bitter but prideful smirk of her own. "No, not always." But the one thing the blonde has always done is wear her heart on her sleeve. If it weren't for Clarke and all she is, if Lexa had to choose, she would say it was that which was killing the her slowly.

She looks up at Rye and taps the rim of her cup. "I'd rather have whiskey now, Rye."

* * *

 _ **luminou -**_ **luminous flowers**

 _ **poul -**_ **bar**

 _ **Gadlouma -**_ **Sheepskin Festival**

 _ **kat -**_ **cat**

 _ **don dreino -**_ **drunk**

 _ **Wanheda -**_ **Commander of Death**

 ** _"Beja."_ \- "Please."**

 _ **"Bak op!" -**_ **"Go back!"**

 _ **"Yu drein, heda." - "**_ **Your drink, Commander."**

 _ **"Mochof, Rai." -**_ **"Thank you, Rye."**

 ** _"Sha."_ \- "Yes."**

 _ **"Mou wor." -**_ **"More war."**

 _ **"Hodnes laik kwelnes." -**_ **"Love is weakness."**


End file.
